So, in college, I was "talking" to this one guy and he hit me with a disclaimer up front. "I'm celibate, but I'll come out of it for you". Let's dissect that for a minute. He could have stopped the statement after the first two words, but he had to add the abandon ship clause in there. Immediately, I knew that statement couldn't be taken seriously, because… why bother if it's that easy to just drop? Celibacy is not a novelty you can just dangle around when it’s convenient. Unfortunately, people do this a little bit too often and they use it to prey on others. If you didn't know, there are SEVERAL "fake celibates" preying on the emotions of potential mates. Here's what I learned from my short dealings with my fake celiBAE (see what I did there?).
Why do they do this?
Celibae clearly made the announcement to impress me and/or present me with a challenge. I'll admit I was slightly impressed, but mostly it lured me into a false sense of comfort with him. (That was probably the REAL goal.) When he made the announcement (clause aside), I was thinking "Great! He won't instantly hound me for sex, and we have the chance to really get to KNOW each other before transitioning into a relationship.” I had semi high hopes for this guy because it seemed like he got the bigger picture. (Okay, so I was wrong.) Almost immediately, I found out, it was all game and I was about to earn my fake celibate badge of honor.
How does it work?
Like I said before, I was under the impression that there would be no pressure for sex (one of my biggest hang-ups about dating at the time). With him being celibate, my guard was down. That meant if conversations teetered on being super sexual, my antenna didn't really raise because the conversation was mostly coming from "suppressed sexual urges". (Oh, I had the excuses lined up for him!) What would usually be deemed as creep behavior flew under the radar behind the mask of his celibacy because I gave him all types of leeway (not to mention he was a “church boy”). I didn't even suspect a set-up when he invited me to come hang out. It was the least pressure I'd felt in a while... initially.
The set-up
In my mostly unguarded state, I was hanging out in his apartment listening to him play music. (He played the keys for a church and a local band.) The evening had been rather uneventful, but listening to him in his element was entertainment enough for me. He was showing off, but I was into it. (I'm a sucker for musical talent in any form.) After a while, he started asking me to sit on his lap and "vibe" while he played. (Record scratch) I immediately found those antennas I’d been missing and my quick wit took over the conversation. He’d been saying little comments about me making being celibate hard for him here and there, so I had the perfect responses lined up. The first time he prompted me to sit and vibe, I was very sarcastic and said, “Oh no! I wouldn’t dare put you in the position to have to fight temptation. I wholeheartedly respect your celibacy and will stay on this chair and listen from here.” I'd laid it on thick and he was visibly annoyed and stopped playing. He’d been banking on me crossing the line or taking his announcement as a challenge. Me rejecting his offer was the last straw. The celibate act was out of the window and he was being himself. He tried pulling me closer, but I was muling* away from him. I was annoyed at myself for being so naïve and letting him get pass after pass when I clearly knew he was lying about being celibate from day one. He realized he must have been coming off as an ass and stop pressing me. At that point, I asked him to explain why he threw his celibacy out there if he was so willing to throw it all away for someone he’d barely gotten to know. Of course, he stuck to his guns and claimed it was just me and my vibe. BS… full BS. After two-stepping my way around the place to make sure he wasn't going to be crazy and hold me hostage, I left his apartment. We awkwardly spoke when we randomly bumped into each other for the next couple of years.
*Putting the brakes on all extremities so as not to be pulled. (LOL)
The revelation
After running the scenario by one of my close guy friends, he laughed and told me I’d fallen for the “old celibacy trick”. Apparently, as I’d assumed, he was banking on me making the first move, so he could act like I was just so irresistible. When I didn’t and was comfortable with is celibacy, he had to try another tactic. That didn’t work either. I laughed with my guy friend, but that scenario had killed a little bit more of my naiveté. People will prey on you by building false trust with this whole celibacy act. Stay vigilant or you might end up waking up next to a fake celibate feeling the “guilt” of their fall. Meanwhile, they’ll be checking you off their list of things/people to do.
I dodged that bullet.
